Of Loneliness...

It's been a while since I went out with my parents as an "only child." Usually, I'd go malling with them with my brother and sister around, but last Saturday was different. I was alone at the backseat hearing how my mom and dad would talk. They talked about serious matters and I doubt if they do that when my sister and brother are around. I never caught them talking bout anything serious I'm with my siblings, but for as long as I can remember, they would talk about adult concerns like realty tax, business decisions and retirement whenever I'm the only one around. When I was a kid and I hear them talk about matters I don't understand, it only made it more interesting. There I was being ignored and I just listened silently. They never ask for my opinions, I'd just listen.

It could be 2 things though. They either know that I am mature enough to listen and process it like an adult. Or they just know me for a person who masterfully shuts herself out. I do give out an impression that I'm an emotionally-detached deaf sometimes.

Either way, I'm happy to be at the backseat with my parents. For a 28 soon turning 29 year old woman, I suddenly felt like a kid again. I can't remember the last time I was the only one at the backseat. It felt good.

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Loneliness is quite different from being lonely. I think I've figured that out as early as high school when I was brooding with so many angst and ideas. There I was hearing out my thoughts, having an Angela Chase moment while everything moves in slow motion and there's that scene that I forget to go to class. 

I like being alone..most of the time. Everyone who knows me that well knows that simple fact about me. I am an introvert and I repel at too much human togetherness. I don't like big crowds in general. I'm not a fan of huge parties, bars and concerts. If I were to hang out with friends, it should be simple and more intimate. And if I were to hang out with the same group of people, I do not tend to overdo it. Colleagues at work understand this bit about me. I don't spend weekends with them, that is too much togetherness. I love them to pieces but I can't just be with them all the time. I recoil if there's too much human interaction for my self to process. I get calmer when I'm on my own. And who doesn't like calm? 

I relish alone time. I always have. Ever since I was a kid, I do hang out with friends but I get more excited going home after school especially on a Friday night. I'd get to watch my movies, read and spend the weekend without anyone pestering me. I don't have to do small talk and engage in super heavy conversations, the things I would do at school when I'm surrounded with people and friends. I don't hate my friends, it's just a fact of life that I like being alone most of the times and I do things on my own  effortlessly like eat out in a restaurant, watch a movie, shop or go on vacation. For most people, they find it weird and strange, but for me, it's just perfect. I crave more alone time than human interaction if I would assess 28 years of my life. Probably it's my personality make-up or it's just the pleasure of doing things my way, at my time, a different brand of freedom. 

I'm thankful I have friends and colleagues who understand this part about me. Quality over Quantity of time spent is something I value more. I'm lucky to find a boyfriend who respects my space...a lot of it. I like my family that they understand that part about me and not make any demands. As for friends, I only hold a handful and I like it that way. But I don't think I ever felt lonely, not one second, not ever. I might have been SAD over an occurrence yes, lonely because I think I am alone, never. Being alone is always a good thing for me. It's something that I have tastefully mastered along the way thanks to my personality. Being alone is like being able to build a world from scratch. Anything new and free is an amazing prospect. 

Though I like being alone, I still do value human interaction. Who can avoid it in this day and age? I'm not that crazy. Social networking and accessibility of friends always make life easier. I do like good conversations and learning from people from time to time. 

That's the difference of being lonely and being alone for me. I may be alone all the time but I never felt the depressing thought that I'm lonely. I don't cry myself to sleep thinking that despite 101 people surrounding and talking to me almost everyday with different levels of intimacy, I'd feel less loved.  I don't cry to the tune that nobody loves me, nobody understands me and this world is a piece of shit. It's weird that people who feel lonelier are the ones who surround themselves with people, who are by far, never alone. 

According to TIME, Dementia is caused by people who are lonely, but not necessarily people living alone. I understand that part and it rings the truth in me. I guess being with people too much defines our routine, our lives and our happiness. But everyone has to understand that people are individuals that could disappoint us and leave us. People do things on their own free will. We have to be mature and independent enough to process and cushion ourselves when that take effect. I think that's why people feel lonely in the first place. They depend so much of their happiness and life in others that if a certain connection breaks down, they feel detached and vulnerable. They would feel alone in the world on the level of emotional and physical aspects that is kinda depressing if they don't know how to handle it. That's why I value "me-time" because it reconnects us with our own self, the one person you have to love and deal with 24/7. Loving ourselves more and doing what really makes us happy will cushion us in any moments of loneliness. 

If you feel down and lonely and you need someone to talk to, find that person, improve your social network, start from scratch. If you feel you're going down spiral, ask for help from someone who could teach you how to spring back on you own. Be with someone who loves, values and knows how to be alone. Learn how to value yourself and choose balance. The battle of loneliness always starts within. It would never be remediated with countless and useless human interactions. Accept the fact the you're lonely, grab that valuable person to help you get back on your own and try understanding yourself a little more. Do something, preoccupy yourself by doing things that you love. Happiness brought by self fulfillment does wonders. Loving yourself more makes one less lonely person in the world.